It Was Once Only Us
by MaskedPyro
Summary: Back then… Everything was as perfect as things could get during a war we were forced into. But then... You came... And ruined everybody's life. His in particular.
1. Chapter 1

Back then… Everything was perfect. Well… As perfect as things could get during a war we were forced into. The only trouble we really had back then was trying to keep our relationship a secret from the Vatican and everyone around us, and then the war, obviously. But we didn't care about the fighting. We were both strong, two of the strongest in the Vatican though not the best. At least not I. He was strong, though… Strong enough to be considered a General.

But you had to stop that.

You… You ruined _everything_. You ruined his chance at a real life. You made him hated by people who were once his friends. You made him hated by everyone who once would have given their lives for him. Nobody trusted him, all because of you. You made him hated by nearly _everyone_. All but me…

I know the difference.

There's him… And then there's _you_.

He's the good. The angel that with a mere smile would brighten anybody's day. He radiated happiness, kindness and everything good in this godforsaken world. Even Yuu would feel lighter, happier by that smile though God forbid he admits it. It was impossible to hate him. He was a light in the dark that never seemed to blink out.

But you... You managed to snuff out that light by barely making yourself known and caused everything to change. Suddenly, an angel had turned into a devil. He smiled but nobody thought it innocent. Everyone thought of it as him trying to play them. Trying to use them for whatever malevolent scheme they believed him to be piecing together. When really, all he wanted was for things to be as they were before you.

He never had a chance at a normal life and as soon as he started to believe he had that chance, you came and shattered it.

But I can't kill you. I could never kill you. No matter how much I want to. No matter how much I want to strangle you, stab you, _burn you_... No matter how much I want you to _suffer_. I could never do it. For one reason and one reason alone.

You wear his skin. You control his body. You walk around with his face and go by his name and pretend to be him like _he's still around_! And because of you, he isn't...! He's gone... and never coming back... All because of you...

The only good thing in this world of black, white, gray and red... The only good thing... The only true radiance... Was from him...

He was able to show even a heartless fool like me that there was more to this world than the fools who fight for a reason even they don't understand. The men who murder under the name of "God" and "for their country". Or the bystanders that pretend that everything is fine while a few miles from their home is war, murder and bloodshed being committed for the most idiotic of reasons.

He was able to show me that there were people that could go through so much and still come out of it with a smile and perfectly sane. Any other person who had gone through what he had would have gone mad... Yet he learned from it... And became strong. So, _so_ strong...

And that's what I loved about him... His perfect imperfectness. I loved everything about him. His intricate scar that held a curse that would cause any grown man to cry from what it shown on a daily basis. His gentle and soft white hair that made him look like an old man to any stranger but, at the same time, seemed to make him look even more angelic. His soft, pale pink lips which showed a smile that would easily lift your spirits, even on the worst of days. His smooth voice, as light as air, softly demanded your attention without you even realizing. Even the Innocence, that had embedded itself in his left hand and caused his arm to be pitch black. The Innocence that he hated and loved at the same time.

He was so imperfect that it made him perfect.

I can still remember the fear in those beautiful silver eyes, which could have acted as mirrors, on the day he found out about you. The day he found out who he was. What he was.

A Noah. The enemy. And the mysterious 14th no less. The supposed traitor that he feared would hurt me and everyone else in the Vatican. All the people he still considered his friends even after you destroyed what they thought of him.

He didn't want a single person to be harmed by him. Be it he in control or not. He didn't want any human's blood on his hands and you couldn't even let him have that much...

Even after finding out he was a Noah, I still loved him. It was just something new and different to add to his list of amazing oddities. Something to add to what made him stand out from the rest. Stand out from the other boring or insane people that surrounded me on a daily basis.

I loved him even though I knew what he was and I made sure he knew that. I promised that the two of us would find a way out of this. A way to fix all of this and keep him in control. I didn't care if he was still a Noah, as long as he was still him.

But as the days passed... I started losing hope... Feeling as if my promise would be nothing but a lie that wouldn't ever be fulfilled. I gave him a hope that quickly turned false when you decided to rear your head.

And as soon as you showed yourself... I knew he was gone.

I denied all of it and spent days on end searching for a way to bring him back. The old panda thought I had finally given up on fighting him and decided to do my work. When really, I was searching any and all records of the Noah for any signs or chances of bringing _him_ back. I found everything. Even more than I had wanted. More than what I expected. But not a single word nor letter as to reversing the process...

I missed him... Every day… With every breath, with every blink of my sole emerald eye, with every clench of my empty hand, with every beat of my broken heart… I missed him with my heart, mind, body, and soul…

My heart still beat for him no matter how broken and shattered it was. My mind still thought about him and dreamt of the day I might see him again. My body begged to feel his smooth porcelain skin under my rough, calloused hands, even if only for a hug or to simply hold his hand. My soul... wanted nothing more than to be with his. To feel that calm, lovingness that was always there...

I'm slowly got used to a cold and empty bed in the morning and I never liked that... I'll never be used to having no hand to hold... I never got over the fact that I only saw _your_ eyes, heard _your_ voice, saw _your_ movements... All instead of his...

I've lost count of how many times I've begged to be able to use his Innocence, his Sword of Exorcism, to rid this world of you. Because as soon as you're gone... He'll be back... This much I know... And that'll be the best day of my life...

The day I get him back... I promise you, I wouldn't let go of him for a month and only then would it be to get on one knee to ask that infamous question. I wouldn't give a damn if anyone saw or knew... That question would be a promise and reason to stay... It would mean I'd never lose him again... Even if he said 'no' and didn't wear a ring, he would know that someone had faith in him. That someone still cared enough to wait this long and try so hard... He would know that _someone_ would be there for him... Always…

But instead of him... I had you... And I hate that... But what I hated even more... Is that all I could do was sit there and wait for the day he came back... Even if only for a minute... That's all I wanted... A mere minute... Because that would mean he's still in there and the chances of him coming back would have been _so_ much higher...

I'm supposed to be the next Bookman... A heartless man that acts as a walking history text... And not once since I took on this job those years ago did I ever feel any emotions other than apathy towards anyone I passed... But he changed that...

Back when it was once only us, I felt what I shouldn't have... Happiness, love, joy, passion, interest, curiosity... All over one person... My heart felt liberated and almost as light as his voice whenever we were close... But apart... I felt lonely, depressed, bored and abandoned... And now, those emotions have only grown...

I cherish every single memory I had with him...

Now here I lay... Tired, weak and powerless on the ground with his body, controlled by you, hovering above mine... And I'm not sure what hurts more... The knife in my chest... His hand wrapped in a tight grip around the handle... Or that I'm just now seeing his eyes, filled with pain, fear, sorrow and tears as my vision slowly fades and my body goes cold...

I take in a deep breath, ignoring the pain that comes from the movement of my chest and speak as loudly as I can, even though it comes out as a mere whisper.

I see him freeze up and with the last of my vision, I see him return... You're gone... But now so am I... And I know there's no bringing me back...

So much I wanted to say... But with so little breath, all I could say was one sentence...

 _I love you, Allen Walker._


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a year now since you died and he left… I haven't heard even the slightest noise from him since he used me to kill you and I regained control… I can still remember it perfectly…

He allowed me to watch my body's actions as he stabbed you… Straight through the heart… I saw the heartbreak in your eye… but I also saw… something like relief… And I don't know what to think of that… Did you think I had died…? And if you did, did you think you'd finally see me? Is that why you looked relieved…? Or… Did you know I had been watching…? Unable to stop him…?

Your final words… You would never have said that to him even if you thought it would get through to me… You wouldn't have let him know, even though he obviously did… After those words… You looked so happy… Did you know I had regained control…?

I had so many questions and so many things to say… The only thing that stopped me… Was seeing that beautiful emerald fade to a dull green before closing…

I remember pulling that knife out as soon as I had full control and holding you close to my chest, trying to wake you with some odd hope that you would have survived… I begged to a God I didn't believe in that you would come back to me… But here I am, a year later, with your favorite headband acting as a scarf around my neck… And you nowhere near me…

Ah… You had a dozen favorite headbands so I should probably specify… It's the green one. The one you wore when we first met. I told you it was my favorite and you seemed so happy with that knowledge...

I didn't understand, for the longest while, why you were so happy. Until I found out that you liked me... Everything you ever did seemed to make sense then. You told me that you always thought of your headbands, or any accessory really, as an extension of one's personality and by complimenting that, I indirectly complimented you. I remember the conversation after that, about how a compliment about someone's outfit doesn't compliment their personality, and how it ended with you having the most adorable pout. A puppy pouting would have lost against that look. Easy to say, you won that argument.

I remember being so sad when you stopped wearing it and wore that all-black one... It was so... Opposite of you... You were bright and confusing and different and had so much detail to your personality. The green one just complimented you so well and made that beautiful emerald eye stand out. The black one... It was so plain and boring with one layer and no mystery or intrigue... The complete opposite of you...

But then you explained why you switched them out. You stopped wearing the green one so it wouldn't get torn, ripped, burned, or damaged in the slightest. Just because I liked it so much. You told me you wore the plain black one so only I would know what your personality was really like. That " _nobody else was allowed to know_ ". And if anybody ever asked why you switched, you told them you " _got annoyed with the green clashing with the red in your hair and new uniform_ ". I always had to hold back a laugh whenever you said that. You wore that headband for years and only then got rid of it... It was just funny to me. So simple, but funny.

I'm only just now realizing how much care you put into your headbands. Especially this one. I can understand why you always wore it. It's soft and warm... Though that might be because of it being broken in already...

You used to be so warm, physically and personality-wise. Your hair and smile so soft. Your eye, even if only one, would shine brighter than any gem I'd ever seen while traveling with Master. There was so much life in you I could have sworn you'd be able to revive a corpse by just smiling at it with that amazing, full-of-life grin. I never thought, even once, would I lose you...

I used to imagine what I would do if different people at the Order were to die or leave... I could think of literally everyone. Even that scientist that nobody knows but somehow appears out of nowhere with some weird idea for Komui. I could think of _everyone_. Just not... you.

I couldn't even imagine losing the light of my life. Half my missions... I could have easily escaped and run away from the Order... But then I would remember you and rush back home. Into your loving arms.

I can still remember perfectly how it always went. I would come back and report to Komui everything that happened and, as soon as I was free to go, I'd casually walk to our room and tackle you as soon as I would step inside. You'd somehow have enough time to put down whatever book you would be reading and catch me, grinning that brighter-than-the-sun grin. The first thing you would do was give me a kiss that would always take my breath away and then say " _Welcome back_ " when I would smile and say " _I'm home_ ".

We would always hide it, our relationship, so there wouldn't be any trouble. We didn't care if anybody knew and we definitely weren't ashamed of it. We just didn't want to deal with the drama or anything else that would come with everyone finding out.

But, after that day, when everyone realized it was me and not him... They started to realize there was something wrong. They thought it was just because I had killed someone that I wouldn't eat or leave my - our - room for a month. But it wasn't that... Not at all... As soon as I was able to leave the room, people would start talking to me and, for a while, you would appear in conversation... I always had to hold back the tears and screams, at least until I got back to the room and could be alone.

I think that's when they started to realize that it wasn't that I had killed someone, but rather _who_ I had killed. You suddenly became a sensitive topic when everyone realized that I cared about you more than any of them could. That didn't stop you from being mentioned.

But nobody ever reacted. They worried about me... But when you were mentioned, there was only indifference... And it hurt so much to see that... I started to think that I was the only one who really cared... Only Lenalee and even BaKanda would react, but not anymore. Lenalee would be upset, but never on the verge of tears and BaKanda would look away, though I could always see that he missed you and your stupid pranks. He missed the stupid fights you two would have. And here we always thought he'd be the happiest when you died...

At this point, I'm surprised I haven't run away from the Order. I hate them. All of them. It's sad that BaKanda is the only one I can tolerate at this point. And it used to be the other way around when I first got here... I think the only reason I'm still here is, not the memories, but because I feel like I can still see you sitting in that chair, reading a book with your hair down and a headband around your neck before you would turn to me and just smile. Sometimes, I even see you just walking down the halls ahead of, or next to me, with your hands behind your head or holding my own. Visions of you haunt me at this point but I would never give them up. They're all I have left of you now. All I have left of how you acted and that amazing smile.

I don't even know what I did back then. Back when I first joined and before I met you. Everything's like clockwork now and I hate it. Wake up before sunrise, do my morning exercises, go to get breakfast, ask Komui for a mission only to be denied most the time, then go back to the room and stare at the ceiling, only coming back out for lunch and dinner before falling asleep in a cold and empty bed at night.

I wish Apocryphos hadn't destroyed Tim back then... If Timcanpy were around, I'd probably annoy him with how often I'd ask to rewatch the clips he got of us, or just you, while hiding out in some corner. I'm not sure if those clips would cheer me up, or make me cry even more... Now I'm getting all sad over Tim too... I wish you were both still around. Even if only to stop all these dark thoughts.

I've lost count of how many missions I've gone on and was tempted to just walk out into the middle of the battlefield and allow myself to be shot by an Akuma... It's the first thought I have whenever I see an Akuma nowadays... I always think that if I died, then I would see that mysterious and infamous white light with you standing there, holding out your hand to me... But I know you'd be upset then...

So I made up my mind. As much as I want to be by your side, I'll just have to wait. I'll live for both of us. Because I know that's what you would want.

And you don't have to worry about someone else stealing my heart. It belongs to you and _only_ you. Nobody on this entire planet can change that. You're always in my heart, and, even if I tried, you'd never leave my mind. I miss you. More than anything. More than I ever thought I could miss anyone.

I promise I'll see you again one day. I just hope it's not too soon, or too far later.

I can practically feel you hugging me right now like you used to whenever you caught me thinking too much, but it's not helping. Sorry, but it's only making it harder. It makes it _so_ much harder because...

You're Bookman Jr. But you'll always be ' _Lavi_ ' to me. My best friend...

 _And the love of my life._


End file.
